Where are all the guys at...Pt II - In defence of the guys!
So firstly, I wanna thank you all for the amazing response to part 1 of “Where are all the guys at”! I’m still alive, no death threats received so I can poke my head above the parapet and issue part 2!
So it’s time to forge a case for the guys… and I’ll respond in kind to the points made in my previous article (if you haven’t read part 1, ahem…. Better get on it here!). I hope that this piece will unearth some home truths for the ladies to go chew on.
In the interest of fairness, this piece will mirror the three categories mentioned in the first article. Again… I can’t promise there’ll be unanimity, but hopefully the ladies won’t want to lynch me by the end of this…! Fingers crossed.
1 | The guy who doesn’t have the mind-set.
When I speak to guys who are your so called Category 1 guys, the common riposte I hear from them is this: 'The woman didn’t leave space for pursuit'. Now I’m not excusing guys who lead ladies on, but it seems that the ladies who want the guys to show up need to leave room for the guys to be guys. This is however not an exact science… The reality is that there are some guys who also are bafflingly - waiting for signals that have already been given before they make their approach. There are also some guys who come with a health warning for no reason other than they are who they are. Don’t wait around trying to figure out who exactly – (that’s just free friendly advice by the way!, .
I’ll say this – there is a great degree of discernment needed when considering the approach of any guy, because us guys sometimes are not aware of the impact that we can have on the ladies… King Solomon was a pretty wise guy: He warned against the awakening of love in a woman’s heart until the time is right – given that he had over 400 wives and 700 concubines, I don’t think we should argue with him! He knew that a woman’s heart once tugged is like a fire that cannot be quenched. And, whilst I think that there is a responsibility on a good guy to not allow himself to wittingly or unwittingly break her defences, I strongly feel that women need to guard the keys to their hearts abit more, and not give a guy the chance to enter in to that emotional place unless he’s prepared to show a commitment that warrants you letting your guard down.
You often hear examples of ladies who are already resident chef at a “friends” place, or is always emotionally available, ready to take that phone call from that “friend” at all hours. And then, when he says “we’re just friends” you’re left with the feelings of rejection and disappointment that you never should never have deserved to feel. Whereas if you keep that door shut, he has to actually take intentional steps to open it – he shouldn't just be able to walk up, find the door ajar and just wander in.
2 | The guy who is committed but still a work in progress
I always end up in a back and forth discussion with ladies on this on this point, but I’ll labour the point anyway. Depending on the cultural imperative, there is not the same expectation on a lady in the same way there is on a guy to be a breadwinner/provider. The expectation that a guy is saddled with can make us (especially the more conscientious guys) more circumspect about the pursuit of a relationship when we are still trying to figure things out. If a guy is not committing for that reason, that is actually a good thing, although I would counsel that he doesn’t awaken desire in any lady before it’s time.
On the flip side, I’m reminded of the Michelle Robinson’s and Cherie Booth's of this world who saw their future husbands nowhere particularly special… (If you know, you know…). The reality is that it is clear that these two women fell in love with their current partner’s ambition and were willing to take a leap of faith that hard work and longevity would take them far together. The question is ladies, are you willing to take that leap…?
Perhaps on this occasion, the guys are actually there, but one needs a view with a different perspective… one that will not cause you to rule a guy out based on what you can see in the first instance… So maybe what needs to happen, is that you need to show a little belief in that guy and see where the journey takes you…
3 | The guy doesn’t have the mind-set or the means to settle down
I think that whilst rarer (and actually not that rare): There are women in existence whose current state would place them in this category (i.e. still figuring themselves out, and nowhere near ready emotionally for a relationship).
The reality is that these women aren’t subject to the same pressure that a guy in the same position would be and the moniker “girls just wanna have fun” would be administered to the women in this category. The unfortunate guy who finds himself at the mercy of such a woman is considered unwise for pursuing such a relationship (not that I’d wholly disagree with that assessment…). But, the reality is that the expectations are completely different for this category for both ladies and gents, and I guess the question I’m asking is that should it be an equal playing field..?
If ladies are free to adopt this approach without censure then surely guys can too? Admittedly, conversely a woman’s reputation suffers in a way that a guy’s doesn’t, even in a post-feminist era, but the question “where are the guys at?” is being posed by the women, not the men… I have seen many a guy bamboozled by the gold-digger, who literally hung the guy out to dry and moved on to the next victim (you know some of them I’m sure….) and I feel that the scenarios are more dictated by individual circumstance as opposed to the social condition of each gender type.
I write this fully cognisant of the differences with certain cultures and the demographics that dominate the narrative in different countries and cities, and in defence of the guys in absentia, I present this as an argument. (Feel free to lambast me in the response column…). Certainly on both counts, I don’t think the guys (or the ladies) should be looked for (or found) if they reside within this category. This category comes with a health warning for all involved.
I don’t believe that the issue is an absence of guys. But that rather the failure of any of these categories to translate into any tangible relationship raises the suspicion that there aren’t any guys out there, which is of course an absurd proposition. For a start, 52% of the global population are male which a solid starting point is for finding them. Ok, ok, ok, lol – I joke. The science of numbers is not the answer to this. But I would say that this issues is not just confined to the ladies (Hear me out). As I guy I know that there are plenty of really nice women out there; God-fearing, pretty, smart, funny, ambitious, upwardly mobile, yada-yada-yada, but that doesn’t mean I just line them all up and pick one! The reality is that your life is as unique as you are, so the connection with a significant other should be unique too!
I can relate to all of those categories in the sense that I once was a guy who was navigating them ALL. I was once that guy who was navigating his career. I was once that guy navigating his emotional inclination to commit. I was once that guy navigating both!
Therefore for me, in closing, the question should not be “where are the guys at”. The question is in is in fact “where is the RIGHT guy at” and I think the answer to that question is the more difficult one that needs an answer that no man can give except God himself. When I say God himself, I mean that. Literally. The starting point to the answer resides in Him and His leading. So commit this into His hands, and allow Him to pick for you. It’s SO much easier that way. I know for a fact that all you amazing ladies out there don’t just need a guy, you need the right guy – as you focus on that question, you actually appreciate the lack of guys even more, as you realise that the right one will be unmistakable, and a God send. “Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate” Mark 10:9.